you cant eat my brains because ive already eaten them for you.
There isn't really any place for me to write anymore, besides on paper,
that will be very private, or that will be very gratifying, and I'm not
sure I remember how to pick up a pencil but I won't apologize either
because everyone needs to get things out sometimes, and I might work
here but I'm a people too, and though this isn't and shouldn't be made
into a public issue, I'm posting it here because I basically have
nowhere else to go.
I can't sleep or breathe or think or smoke or eat or shit or complain
or speak or walk or move or exist anymore, again, without somehow
letting you infiltrate me again. And it is driving me mad and my
stomach hurts and my liver burns and my brain is eating itself and I
have nowhere to go because everyone already knows how you've treated me
a million times and nobody wants to hear about it anymore. so I twiddle
my thumbs and walk in spirals down the same road I've been forced to
escape from thirty some-odd times.
You've stolen my dignity
and sanity while I've given you my last five bucks, much needed advice,
fiendishly coveted adderall, warm bed, gas, electricity, favorite
pajama pants, most innocent and at times indecent kisses, severly
tested patience, last french fry, last cigarette, and last pair of
clean socks. (Truth: I'd give it all to you again even if things would
go exactly as they have the last fifteen times.)
Its hard to
tell the difference between whether I just don't like what's at the end
of the trail you've probably blazed with 30 other girls, can't figure
out where the end is, or just don't want it to end.
i totally get off on being lost, haunted, ruined, distraught, helpless, torn to pieces by, at the hand of, as a result of,
As long as it has everything to do with you, I don't care if I'm used,
crushed, beaten, bruised, kissed, loved, needed, or fucked (scarred is
a given). It's being left behind, ignored, forgotten, treated like or
lumped in with the rest that cuts deepest.
I don't know. nevermind.
-end journal entry-